仰靠在沙發上,點燃了一支煙,突然想起這樣一句話:十八歲,是男孩子叼著香煙裝大人的年齡。
記不得是在哪裡讀過這樣的句子,卻在突然之間覺得很有意思。
我正式開始吸煙是在十八歲。當那支香煙點燃後,真的感覺自己已經是一個地地道道的男子漢了。
那一年,我的高中即將畢業,一天,我突然在班級裡點燃一支煙,同學們都以極驚奇的目光看著我,並向我發出這樣的詢問:“你也會吸煙?”我便當然地把頭昂了起來。
其實,我在上初中的時候便已經會吸煙了,但,我卻並不覺得吸煙有什麼好。
我的高中是一段玩耍的日子,因為是職業高中,是我們這些還不能走向社會卻又必須上學的半大孩子們的學業終點,每日里只是琢磨怎麼玩,當然,那也是一生中學業最為頹敗,思想最為懶漫的日子。可是,我們每一個人在當時都沒有意識到這一點,理所當然地玩了個一塌糊塗。直到畢業多年以後,同學們聚談起那段日子時,才由衷的感慨:時光的流水,已經把我們在生命的河流中衝出了好遠,再也無法回到那個不顧一切的季節。
畢業後,我從來沒有放任地閒逛,而是知道自己學業無成,只能一輩子靠賣力氣來糊口,所以,畢業僅僅一個月後,我便在朋友的幫助下,去了一家私人開辦的小型軋鋼廠,幹起了拽鋼筋的活,一天下來,雖然賺到了五十多元錢,卻因腳下一滑,被那通紅的鋼筋燙傷了胳膊,整整休了一個月才重返車間。從拽鋼筋到上軋床,雖然每一樣工作都特別辛苦,但我卻幹得特別開心,因為,我覺得,不僅僅會吸煙才證明自己是一個男子漢,能靠自己的雙手掙來錢,才能說明一個男子漢活著的意義。
由於工作比較辛苦,原本被我當成男子漢標誌只在同學、朋友們相聚時才叼著的香煙,已經成了我日常生活中離不開的必備品。因為渾身大汗地把一捆捆尚留餘熱的鋼筋捆紮完或者從軋床上下來,蹲在牆角,坐在涼快的地上,吸上一支煙,會讓全身的疲累都隨著那絲絲縷的煙霧舒舒服服地飄散開去。
在我這樣工作以前,儘管我覺得已經長大了的男孩已經有了吸煙的權利,但是,我每次吸煙,總是背著爸爸媽媽,當我第一次這樣在真正意義上參加了勞動,並用汗水換來了工資以後,我開始在爸爸媽媽的面前吸煙了。
媽媽反對我吸煙,理由只有一條:那東西有百害而無一利。爸爸卻深沉地望著我,勸媽媽不要管。爸爸是煤礦工人,爸爸從小就從事重體力勞動,他知道,吸煙對於一個從事體力勞動人的重要性。爸爸對媽媽說:“他那活兒累,抽根煙解乏。”媽媽從此便不再乾涉我吸煙的事。
再後來,我先後在七個地方打短工,時間最長的,是在一所小學任代課教師,因為那份工作最輕鬆,所以,那四五個月裡,我把煙戒了。
後來,我又參軍當了兵,在新兵的那一年再次戒菸,長達一年。再後來,斷斷續續地吸吸戒戒無數次,雖然戒菸的次數我記不得了,但我知道,戒菸的時間一次比一次短,吸煙的時間卻一次比一次長。特別是進了機關從事文字工作以後,香煙已經成了我辦公桌和家中的必備之物。有時自己會因為工作一天不進食,幾宿不睡覺,但是香煙卻一根接一根地吸,最多時,我曾在一天一宿吸三包雪茄,雖然舌頭已經麻麻的,嘴中已經苦苦的,但為了破解一個寫作過程中的難題,卻依然不停的吸。彷彿那濃濃的煙霧中隱藏著無數的答案。
醫生曾多次警告我不許吸煙。但我做不到。記得有一次去醫院檢查,醫生讓我戒菸時,那陪我去醫院的同學說:“你讓他戒菸?除非讓他把工作辭了!”他對我的這種理解,讓我很真誠地感動了多長一段時間。
香煙仍然照吸,不過,它再也不是我假裝男子漢的輔助物了。
我知道吸煙有害健康,而且,我已經深受其害,但卻割捨不了。
閒散淡漠下來的時候,總覺得有些無聊。時不時愛翻閱紙頁發黃的書籍,有時還勤謹的整理一下過季的衣物,傻傻的看著品相笨拙的家具,雖然這些物件兒已經被淘汰,已經被置放到無人關注的清冷角落,但我還沒有把它們丟棄的打算。這本書是我在西安買的,那件衣服是在蘇州買的,最不濟的那對衣箱,在當初也是奢侈品。真是佔地方,都什麼年代了,還守著窮家值萬貫的箴言,目視著這些跟隨過我的東西,總覺得是那麼的熟悉,那麼親切,總有一種割捨不下的情結。
衣箱裡放著我看過的書,這些想當初給了我啟蒙的書籍,任意拿出一本我都知道它的情節。這本《福爾摩斯探案集》,那扉頁上的褐斑,不就是灑在上面的菜湯嗎?這是我下鄉時的印記。
那是一個貧困的小村,雖靠著河邊,但年年漲水,河灘裡的地多種少收的時候居多。年年漲水年年種,老天照應的時候,才能分到日值的幾毛錢。隊長那出工時嘶啞的喊聲顯得有氣無力,人們老像沒睡醒的似的,站在隊房的空場上聽從隊長的派工。春種夏鋤,“鋤禾日當午,汗滴禾下土,”秋收冬儲,忙忙碌碌又一年。看得見紅旗招展學大寨的場面,聽得到氣死龍王鬥倒天的豪言壯語,到頭來還是那樣的窮。
農村的夜晚是寂靜的。夏天看星星,秋天聽蟲鳴,要不就是聽令人厭煩的下鄉干部講輔導,天曉得世界大事和我們有什麼關係。知青的屋子裡還亮著燈,這是大家都高興的時候,每天,大家在聽我讀書。就是這本《福爾摩斯探案集》,聽到高興處,一個哥們儿的頭頂,不小心的碰到了掛在牆上的壁櫥,菜湯灑下,書籍模糊,好叫大家一通埋怨。
這對兒起皮的衣箱,是我的兩個妹妹在我結婚的時候給買的。那可是她們下鄉勞作了一年的報酬呀!那時候我已經返城剛上班,記得看到這對衣箱的時候,我的心在流淚,我的心在顫抖,妹妹們臉上的笑,隱在祝福的背後又說明了什麼呢?我深深的知道,深深的知道……
箱子的幾角兒,還整齊的碼放著以前用過的糧本,煤本,副食本,還有零散的線票,棉花票,肉票,秋衣票,水票,最多的要數糧票了,除了地方糧票,特別是一疊全國糧票,按票面數計有二百來斤。而這些,都是想當初節衣縮食的結果,在計劃經濟的日子裡,光有錢不行,這些比錢都值錢的票證,是按人丁布發的,是花錢的前提和能夠買到商品的保證。
從這些碎叨的語言能夠看出,但凡說起這些老黃曆的人,基本是有歷史的人。現在的孩子們聽說挨餓都覺得很奇怪,似乎只要有錢到超市裡面買就行了,他們只能依稀從書本和影視裡面看到挨餓的場景。不能怪他們,畢竟這樣的日子離他們太遠了,看著這些壓在箱底兒的從前“寶貝”,一種懷念產生的震顫,一種遠離噩夢醒來的後怕,還有一種對今天日子的知足,這些感覺攪拌著、融合著、品味著、道出了歷經過生活裡的五味雜陳。
拿起一本書頁泛黃的《收穫》雜誌,從裡面掉出好多碎紙片,花花綠綠的。暮然想起,這是我保存的門票,大都是上世紀八十年代末期產物。仔細看著,捫心想著,驚詫的連自己都喊了出來。哎呀,登長城才兩角錢,避暑山莊一角五分,少林寺兩元,塔林一角,兵馬俑兩元,驪山森林公園一元,泰山四元,杭州花港觀魚三角,三潭印月三角,六和塔四角,虎跑三角,太湖林屋兩角,水泊梁山兩元,青城山一元,樂山大佛一元,虎丘一元……今天看見這些門票,真的好驚喜。今非昔比的價格,好在這些地方都留下過我的足跡,對於從小就熱愛自然的我,也是一種收穫。至今,我的情懷依然不改,看來,本性難移呀。
我靜靜的在思緒裡流連,看著手上的土,望著身上的塵,或悲或喜,一個破舊的箱子裡裝著那麼多的故事。品咂對比,懷念念舊,這情懷恐怕要伴隨一輩子了,是的,一輩子。
She seems to be a friend abandoned.
On this day of her head wore a black regiment of the clouds, strong sunlight in her head, it seems like the thunder, while the eyes, already began to rain heavily. I reached in the past, is to pat her on the shoulder, but she had turned and ran away.
I tried to followed behind her and wanted to be properly comforted her, even if it is then look at the next like, but I do not know how to comfort her Zheke wounded heart, I do not know her in the end What happened to her so sad thing.
She seems to run tired, the pace stayed slow stop, I speed up the pace, came to her side, straining to holding her, and she said: "tired of it, break it, you have any pain can be talk to me Yeah, I can accompany with you vent, along with the hearts of anger distributed out of the bag along with the hearts of the bitter medicine thrown away. "She slowly looked up, with have been" rain "dip Fuzzy wet eyes looked at me and smiled and said: "You, will never understand." She ran away, and I have no strength, the courage to re-catch her.
Back in the classroom, I heard her dialogue with others, I realized she was the better, as his close friend the most pro-abandoned.
She seemed in his eyes is unfortunate, because she did not the "family", but she do not think about, I am also her "family", I tried to enter your world, but the door of your only belong to you forever, but the face I can assure you knock on the door, you have been totally ignored, let me live in outer space.
I am, I'm not making fun of you, but to tell you, friends you have lost, but it does not mean that you have lost everything in all, if you knock on my "door", I will always be open for you , because in my heart, you are my friend, and they are also my friends, my "door" is always for the injured person, love my people who ,····· open the door.
Her head is still on a cloud, "rain" or did not stop, I can not seem to enter her mind for her untie the knots that closely tied together.
Heart is red, the tears will smile, and a friend left you, does not mean that all our friends to leave you, the world has not yet reached a certain day, your tomorrow, after all, a sunny day.
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